I Felt Like a Failure This Week

I felt like a failure this week. Losing one of my favorite cows was hard enough, but thinking about all the things I could have done differently has made me so mad at myself. I’m still beating myself up over it and honestly just sick over the loss. The whole experience was traumatic, and I’ve been super discouraged, but also overwhelmed financially with the expensive emergency vet bills, plus the loss of the value of Mercy and her unborn calf. Then seeing how heartbroken Kasey and Jordan both were broke my heart too, so all around, it hurt in multiple ways.

I would give anything to have Mercy back, but I also learned multiple lessons through her death, and I’m changing some things moving forward. I’m going to be better prepared, have more of the tools on hand that could help save them in an emergency, and even have a plan for how to remove a body if we ever have to deal with something like this again. None of that makes me feel better about losing her, and I’m still struggling with it, but I do see some good that came from something so awful.

Going through everything with Jordan was hard because I hated seeing how much losing Mercy hurt him too. At the same time, it made me realize just how emotionally invested he has become in the farm and these animals. I also watched on camera just how much Kasey loves these animals, and seeing her find Mercy dead broke my heart. It reminded me that these cows aren’t just loved by me.

Then there is this lady, who has been a huge blessing in my life. I’ve learned so much from her calm cattle handling abilities, but her words of encouragement over the years have meant just as much to me. When I first met her, I was trading her a bull for a cow, and I didn’t know much about loading cattle. She didn’t have a great loading setup either, but she got the cows on the trailer with such gentleness and patience and zero stress. If someone raised their voice or even called a cow a name out of frustration, she wouldn’t allow it. She never cussed at them, never got worked up, and always kept everything calm. When the cows loaded smoothly, she would say a little prayer of gratitude. I learned a lot from her.

Anyway, she had no clue what I had just gone through when she asked me to help her sell four cows. She was retiring from cattle and knew I could find good homes for her girls, so I went and picked them up and had already started trying to market them for her. I had absolutely no idea she was planning on giving them to me. Then tonight she told me she didn’t actually want me to sell them for her. She wanted to give them to me so I could sell them and use the money to help me and the farm pay down some debt.

The timing was just wild. I had just lost Mercy and her unborn calf, spent so much trying to save her, and business has been slow, so financially it was a huge loss. Then tonight, someone who knew absolutely nothing about what had happened gave me four cattle worth more than what I had just lost.

But honestly, her encouragement meant just as much as the cattle. I’ve been so mad at myself and felt like I failed Mercy, so having someone I respect so much tell me she believed in me and thought I was good at what I do was something I really needed to hear.

I’m still beating myself up, and I’m still sick over losing Mercy. I would give anything to go back and change what happened, and I know it’s going to take me a while to get past it. But in the middle of one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a long time, it was pretty amazing to see God’s provision show up financially and through the encouragement of someone who had absolutely no idea how badly I needed either one.